Austin Translation
Son of Dave’s report from SXSW
“Dude, you’re from England? My folks have visited England. I’d love to go someday. But there’s so much to see here in America, you know? You could never see it all. There’s so much to see just here in Texas. I don’t think I’ll ever see all of Texas, never mind go all the way to England!”
Top tips for people music lovers who stay in cheap hotels:
1. The air vent is usually located in the bathroom or somewhere by the ceiling. Smoke will always go out that vent so things which are smoking should be held beside the vent so as not to alarm other guests or staff of the hotel.
2. Always leave a ‘do not disturb’ sign on your door. Carry extras with you for when one is not provided.
3. Maids are not to be seen or heard or to enter the room at all. Tip them to stay away. Sometimes they will do laundry if you bribe them, but it is against the rules so be grateful if they do. On their carts can be found all sorts of useful things: chocolate, coffee, stationary, ashtrays, ice buckets, solvents…
4. Hand-washing doesn’t need to be difficult. Simply fill the sink with the hottest water available. Use a kettle if there is one. Then place offending garments and one small bar of hotel soap in the scalding water and stir/beat with a hanger. Let sit and repeat in half an hour. Repeat the process with fresh water to rinse. To quickly dry clothes if there is no heater, you can drape underwear and socks onto the outside of the kettle. Clothes will be dried as you make coffee. To freshen suits, they need to be hung by an open window. Stand on a chair and jam the hanger into the ceiling tile, curtain, or whatever can be punctured to do so.
5. For amusement, read the Bible and try to understand why it is so popular, or how it came to exist at all. See how cruel and random God is and try to equate Him with love.
6. Mattresses can greatly reduce sound escaping the room, or sound coming in, if placed vertically against doors or walls.
7. Hide valuables in all sorts of places. It’s fun to invent new ones and trade ideas with your friends.
8. Investigate all alternative entrances to, and exits from, the hotel. Guests can use them to come and go freely without charge or authority interfering.
Various: Get a rooming list of all your bandmates if you aren’t sharing a bed with them. Always pack before you sleep. Eat the hotel breakfast in mainland Europe, but don’t bother in the UK. Never touch the mini-bar. If you’re drunk enough to be tempted, you’re too drunk. If you’re sober enough to be tempted, go out or go to sleep.
This last rule is similar to my opinion about attending the South by Southwest music conference in Austin, Texas. If you can afford to fork out the money to attend and stay in a hotel, you probably don’t need to go to SXSW. If you can’t afford a hotel, you are probably disorganised and, likewise, shouldn’t go there.
But I suppose one can always become more successful. That’s the American dream/fantasy. Seventeen hundred bands and performers in four days. What are your odds? There needs to be a cull.
But we will spare the following acts:
Man Man from Philadelphia: wild gypsy Beefheart nutters dressed in white and vibeing offa each other so strongly it doesn’t matter what kind of weirdness they are playing.
Heloise & the Savoir Faire (from Brooklyn, but they wouldn’t admit if they were from Buffalo, would they?) get the booty-shaking award. Trendy electro types and eighties irony fags will suck this band up, but they can actually play like masters. Better than Blondie with a big ass and no inhibitions.
Kitty, Daisy & Lewis, because they are too young to be killed.
The Answering Machine from Manchester. They are the only indie band that didn’t make me run out of the room. In fact, they are flawless and will be the talk of the town in moments. Poor things will probably sign to a major and receive only pennies per album. Catch ‘em while they don’t have attitude.
The most fun I had was performing with some friends of mine called An Albatross from Philly. They make violent bloody love-bead speed metal music. There were injuries. I struggled just to keep my head from being bashed in by the singer’s mic stand. Nice fellows off the stage. Onstage they are barely human. But very funny.
Alabama3 were kind enough to invade a Son of Dave stage. It was a beautiful chaos. The Reverend Gary Love was in fine form. I admire him from a safe distance. Texas had no idea what to make of it.
“What’s this band called?” asked the bubbly blonde Texas girl.
“Alabama3.”
“Where are they from?”
“Brixton, London. I think the singer is Welsh.”
“How come they’re called that? And why do they sing like Americans and play this weird country music?”
“Because they are humorous. American accents are humorous and country music is especially humorous.”
“Oh.”
It’s easy to complain about the Americans, but if you can get past the glibness, the high fat and moron count, and the clear-cut segregation and just get into the fun of it, America really is the most fun place on earth. Highly wasteful, though. Seventeen hundred bands on a rampage for four days emit more carbon and methane than all the farting steers in Texas do in a year. That’s a lot of shit and gas. I’m sorry for being part of the problem. The solution would have been a well-placed dirty bomb. Maybe next year. I won’t be going, I don’t think. I’d rather get paid to shit in the south of France.
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