The Stool Pigeon music newspaper

April 15
I now have 367 friends on MySpace, which must say something about me. I don’t know why but bands just keep wanting to be my friend, from all over the world actually, but mostly Oregon. I reckon it must be because of my job - the work of Negative Press doesn’t go unnoticed, I’ll tell you that for nothing! I should probably be worried about things like MySpace, working in PR - the fact acts can now reach you and get their music to you without the help of somebody like me almost makes me and the work I do completely redundant. If I didn’t work in PR I really don’t know what I’d do. A TV presenter perhaps? Like Davina McCall maybe. She cracks me up. Or perhaps I’d get into TV work via something like Big Brother, the way Chantelle has. The sky is the limit for her now: one minute she’s presenting a show about the Spice Girls, the next she’s on the cover of Nuts and Zoo… in the same week! She’s an inspiration.

April 18
One band that contacted me on MySpace recently are from east London, and they’re called The Definitely Maybes. They’re going to be soooo huge. They even wrote on my wall thanking me for the add, and they posted some gig dates too! So nice of them to invite me. I’m going to all of them. Such an amazing name too - I wonder how they came up with it. And to be called The Something Somethings rather than just The Somethings is a piece of genius in my eyes. I might manage them. I’ve been looking to get into management for a while, as I think it would play to my strengths: I don’t take any shit from anyone, I don’t mind long car journeys and I spend half my time down the Camden Barfly anyway. Why not get out and experience them all? I sent them a message last week offering my services. They’ve not got back to me yet, but I imagine they’re pretty busy rehearsing and hanging out and being crazy boys. If they had a manager, they’d have got back to me by now. Oh the irony. I think I might write to them now and tell them.

April 24
I’m really not sure if I’m going to Glastonbury this year. I really probably should go, as my boys The Blah Blah Blah Blah Blahs are going to be there. They’re not actually booked; they’re doing an all-day guerilla gig in the car park as people enter. Dedication, that’s what you need. I’m not sure why but I just don’t really fancy Glastonbury this year. Part of the reason might be the line-up. I mean, who wants to see Jay-Z? There’s something about him I don’t like, but I just can’t put my finger on what it is.

April 27
I’m soooo hungover. I was thinking of going to Victoria Park for this racism gig with my friend Vicky, but I’m just too ill to move. I’m surprised she’s supporting racism as she used to go out with a black guy called Dave. He cheated on her, though, so maybe that’s why. Apparently Damon Albarn’s new band is playing. I don’t think I like them anyway. Parklife was just brilliant, but now he seems to have gone a bit weird, doing this depressing music dressed like an undertaker and being photographed all the time with that really old dude. That whole war between Oasis and Blur was just silly, wasn’t it? People would say to me, ‘Who do you like, Oasis or Blur?’ I was like, ‘I like them both, what about Dodgy?’ Parklife was so amazing, though - it’s probably my fourth favourite album of all time. I can’t listen to ‘Girls and Boys’ without remembering the time I got fucked ragged by five Stevenage Town players while on holiday on the Algarve. Happy days!

May 3
Can you believe it’s been a whole year since little Madeline McCann went missing? There’s one line of investigation the police haven’t pursued and that’s this: maybe little Maddie left of her own accord. Has anyone thought of that? I don’t think so. But poor Kate McCann, you can see the grief etched on her face carrying Cuddle Cat around with her - it must be soooo terrible for her. Though, on the plus side, she is a household name now. She’s quite pretty, so give it a while until everyone’s more or less forgotten about Maddie and she could probably get a career in the media. Every cloud and all that. Actually, if I was a TV executive I’d set up a show fronted by Kate and Gerry where they give out awards to brave people and call it Yes I McCann Do It. Special guests would include Cherie Blair, the brilliant Piers Morgan, and maybe Simon Weston, though I’d ask the make-up girls to do something with that awful complexion. Kate’s catchphrase could be “there’s no such word as McCann’t”. Which is clever because there isn’t.

May 6
Pete Doherty just got out of jail. Yes, of course I was there to cheer him on. He’s such an amazing poet, AND he manages to write while out of his head on smack. That makes him even more talented in my eyes. The one time I did heroin, I just lay on my back and shat myself, so more power to him. Actually I’ve been cutting down on the drugs recently. I’ve not touched any for over a month, if you discount last week when that fat-fingered A&R guy blew some cocaine up my arse in The George and Dragon in Shoreditch.

May 15
Went to see The Definitely Maybes at The Hope & Anchor. There were only about five people there, so I got to go right up the front. I was talking to the cute barman about managing them when this girl overheard me. Turns out she’s Clive the singer’s girlfriend and she’s managing them. “No wonder it’s empty,” I said to her. She didn’t seem to hear so I followed her into the toilets and panned her fucking head in, the skinny bitch. They’re awful live anyway. Talk about sounding like an Oasis tribute act.

May 23
Went to the Ivor Novello Awards last night. Man, I am sooooo hungover. Got completely fucking legless and threw up on Phil Collins’ shoes. “That’s for dumping your wife by fax you bastard,” I shouted at him as I was being hurled onto the street. It’s a shame really, as I was on a promise. I’d been chatting with Mika earlier in the night and I offered to suck him off in the toilets. He didn’t say anything at the time, but I could tell from the look in his eyes that he was up for it. As far as I know, he doesn’t have a girlfriend, so you never know. I think I’ll drop him a message on MySpace. Going out with Mika would be just amazing.

May 27
I’m in heaven! I’ve just been to see the Fratellis at Dingwalls! They were amazing! “Da da da da da da da da-da-da!” Genius.

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